...

I think sometimes that if I don't exist, that it would be the way to get back at her, that hurting myself would hurt her ... like I have been the one all along who has not known that we are, in fact, two separate beings.

Is this what all this crap is here to teach me? I've been angrier the last few days since I finished my amends on the 4th (today has been the 8th, though now it's technically the 9th) than I have for a while ... it was so hard to be able to really see what I've had to deal with, and to never know which person it would be, the person on day #1 or on day #2, that no matter what I say, even how many times she asks me the same questions over and over, she does not hear me at all.

I've been thinking a lot today about how Alisa said that if it wasn't for me doing all those drugs in high school, I never would have made it out of my teens alive, and days like today, I can see why.  It is also becoming clearer why I have these "strange mental blank spots" about people being complete assholes, but only in certain situations -- allowing my landlady to call me names; allowing my boyfriend(s) to treat me so badly and not feel like either of these things are unusual or I'm undeserving because they both have to do with the "house" and my deepest emotional abilities. Now that this summer I've taken away the glamour of my job and have been forced to look at emotional stuff, there are huge gaps here for me to be conscious of and ask the Goddess for help with.

Now that my shield is gone, not from my life but from my physical space, I can really begin to have my own life and trust God. It just has to hurt for a little while for it to feel better. I guess.

Still, I don't want to talk to, um, Mom for a while and you know what? I don't have to. So there.

Love,

Rachel Alina. xxxxx